Buckle in, this one is quick and sad about the death of an animal. You can skip it and get to the news, which is mostly about classes in January.
This time of year is a deluge of expectations, emotions related to those expectations and a million marketing emails. Plus, this year, we are witnessing a genocide in real time, complete with our complicit government and the smokescreen confusion of insistence that being against an attack on a population that amounts to war crimes, is evidence of hatred of a another group. I am holding this in my heart while also trying to find some peace in a chaotic year (need a soundtrack for that? read last week's post).
Here's the news.
This October, on Friday the 13th, my dog, Auggie the excitable, aka Auggo Doggo aka "the big dog," aka dum dum, aka goofball aka Auggity Doggity, died. It was sudden and violent but gratefully not gory and ultimately, peaceful.
I've been a cat person for the past 20 years and so it was surprising to spend time with a being so goofy and sympathetic and interested in me. Happy to nap or walk, he was a great hiking companion but also stayed in bed until I was ready to get up. At night, he would lay on the blankets on the bed or couch and watch me, waiting until I got into bed burrowing under the covers.
He was a guy with big emotions and lacked the tools for handling them. He didn't know how to say hi to other dogs, or answer to his name and could barely be distracted with a treat. He loved who he loved and was a little suspicious of most other creatures (and some of those creatures were made of concrete). He liked you a little more if you had treats. If you could be consistent and unsurprising for an hour or so, he liked you a lot. If you and me and he hung out for a few hours, he might jump in your lap. But also, he might be startled when you stand up. He liked being with people he trusted and did not love being alone. We were practicing being apart when he figured out he didn't have to be, nosed the door open, and romped past me down the street into traffic. It was a sudden and sharp heartbreak in a year of slow burns.
I've been a cat person for the past 20 years and so it was surprising to spend time with a being so goofy and sympathetic and interested in me.
His death was quick. He did not bleed or whimper. I believe he lifted his head when I arrived but also he may have already passed. I will remember that he responded to my voice even as I know his death was likely instant. Both stories are true and will never be able to verify one or the other. I don't want him to have suffered and I want to know he saw me, felt me hold him as he passed.
Last week I was on the Washington coast, writing and reflecting on the past year. Post-concussion, I have sought more quiet at this time of year, spending the solstice alone, near water, sometimes near snow. I am lucky this year to spend nearly a week at Sou'wester Lodge, on an affordable residency. My instinct during this time is to plan plan plan. But slowly I allow more reflection and know the plans will come.
Auggie was supposed to come with me. I requested a camper that is dog friendly. After he died, I did not alter my reservation, partly with the hope that maybe there would be another dog. But so much has changed in the past few months, that maybe for a bit I can coast and see what happens.
It was a sudden and sharp heartbreak in a year of slow burns.
And so, I have slowed on the plans. I have slowed on the decisions. I bought my favorite year-at-glance calendar but so far, it is mostly blank. I am tired. I am grateful to be adaptable but I am exhausted by a constant change of plans. After Auggie died, I had to print October's Keep Writing postcard--a drawing of Auggie with words of encouragement. When I planned that postcard in August, I was warned by past folly of planning too far ahead. But I thought an encouraging doggo would be timeless. Ha. A few weeks after he died I printed hundreds of his face, more distracted by technical difficulty than sadness. But the sadness comes back too.
Instead of planning details I am working on direction. A friend described a time of getting a tarot reading with all the cards reversed. I feel like this, everything is upside down. I am not making decisions from here, just riding out this change of perspective. I keep going. And rest. And keep going.
little bits of light for the darkness
a therapist and a movie fan talk about inside out, emotions and have a good cry
“Is This Art?” collage workshop back!
online for 6 weeks
Saturdays 10 am-noon PST starting 1/20
early bird price before 1/1: $285
scholarship available!
a very generous friend and supporter donated a scholarship for one person!
if you want to take this class with me and cannot financially afford to:
email me at hello@hopeamico.com!
you can see a breakdown of other financial options here
Portland! Studio Practice: collage
starts 1/9 at Paisley Studios!
Tuesdays 10 am - noon
$120
Studio Practice is a time for you to bring your work and focus while surrounded by peers. I offer an optional prompt each week and plenty of time to work with the option to share. Some materials are provided but students are encouraged to bring what they need.
portland studio warming
mark your calendars and see my new space!
I’ll have prints for sale, free gifts, snacks and all the art will finally be on the walls!
Saturday January 6th
11 am-4 pm
masks required before noon
2903 NE Emerson, basement, enter on 29th
Take care of each other, okay? Oh and if rambly moody newsletters are something your friend might be into, please share a post with them!
xoxo Hope
💖💖💖
I’m so sorry you lost your dog.