I won menopause
Two weeks ago, I won menopause.
As I wrote in Keep Writing number 166, there was a lot I didn't know.
It was quiet and uneventful; it is an event marked by absence. Menopause marks the end of menstruation. There are other changes; eggs no longer being released and tapering estrogen production but the lack of bleeding is the easiest to mark. The day before, I was perimenopausal. The next day I was postmenopausal . I picked up a friend at the train station, moved some shelves into my new studio, ate tacos, drank good coffee, and walked in my favorite park. I showed my friend around the city, coincidently no longer able to have a biological baby. I did not realize until a few days later that the event had passed, as I was preoccupied with moving and a new job.
I never wanted to have a baby. There is biological evidence that I have an inhospitable womb. In my 30's I feared my biology--what if my hormones betrayed me and wanted a baby? They never did.
What if my hormones betrayed me and wanted a baby?
The end of menopause means no more wild monthly mood swings or cramps, no pregnancy scares. It is difficult to convince most people that you are really okay with not having biological children. I have a step kid now so the inquiry has eased off a bit. But over the weekend at a new job, a co-worker asked about kids, my stepkid and then if I had any. When I said no, she said, consolingly, there is still time. and I said, no there isn't. For the first time I said this with certainty.
When the signs of menopause started seven years ago I realized I knew so little. I knew there could be hot flashes, maybe other symptoms. I knew the bleeding would stop. But I didn't understand what else happened or when. Here is what I know now: (nurses and better informed friends please intervene here) Menopause is the cessation of menstruation for 12 months. Perimenopause is the time before; you may have irregular or missing periods, mood swings, hot flashes. Your estrogen levels are dropping. If you bleed after not bleeding for 12 months, it is called postmenopausal bleeding. So, if I understand, you get one moment of menopause or 10 years if you are considering the stages of menopause. You are no longer releasing eggs. Your metabolism slows. You might stop bleeding for eleven months then bleed again and your countdown to menopause is reset. This is what I have gleaned from the internet searches and very patient medical assistants.
I wanted to write about this because I realized how little I knew, and how little my menstruating friends knew. I say this and know that my friends who can get pregnant tend to know more than those who can impregnate because it is our bodies that change, our bodies that can carry babies. And some of my trans friends know more about hormones than I because doctors don't know enough or refuse care or offer inadequate care.
But let me ask: what don't you know about your body?
At this point, maybe those of you who won't experience menopause have dropped off. But let me ask: what don't you know about your body? Why don't we talk about aging beyond punchlines and assumptions?
For February's Keep Writing postcard, I quoted an old favorite, Justin Hines and the Dominos ``What You Don't Know" and experimented with RISO printing. After years of typesetting and planning, it was fun to try a method that is more immediate and conducive to collage. With my press in storage for a few months, expect more RISO experimentation though hopefully a little neater!
Hey, thanks to some help from a studio assistant, many more responses are up on tumblr. Thanks, Leslie.
And if you want a monthly postcard, you can subscribe to the Keep Writing project.
current mood.
better than last week, but bigger buckets of feelings